and i’m caught in between.
Fans rejoiced when the sounds of Britney Spears’s new single 3 filled their ears with fun, high energy dance beats. Then Britney posted some steamy photos from her video shoot. And then the video was posted and any hopes of a dance video were slashed post haste.
Instead of giving a dance video like we haven’t seen since 2002, 3 gives us more lackluster wiggling similar to the “If U Seek Amy” video. And like “Circus” (which was spectacular for many reasons none of which involve dance moves), this video has nice product placement in the beginning with a B.S. fragrance. Seriously though, watching the dance moves in 3 with the horizontal stripper pole reminded me of my last trip to a strip club where I thought to myself “girls, we pay you to dance not just move your hips while standing next to and holding on to a pole with your hand”. Yes, Camelot. Can someone please solve the mystery of where Britney’s dance ability went? I’m sure someone is willing to pay an award. And while at it, figure out why the video has censored the word sin in the phrase “living in sin is the new thing” when it isn’t censored for radio and isn’t even an expletive? Thanks. Xoxo.
Her skin does look glorious though in this video, I must say.
the most awesome britney spears video in a long time
and she isn’t even in it!
don’t get me wrong, if u seek amy was alright, but those dance sequences paled in comparison to those from better days. as for now, i like this guy better and wonder if he is available for birthday parties.
fcuk censorship
Ah… remember when French Connection had those “fcuk” shirts? I had one with “lucky fcuk” written across the chest and remember wearing it to high school and thinking I was all badass when really I was just another dorky honors student thinking I should push the envelope a little bit before graduating and thought a t-shirt with words would be the most badass way to do it.
Anyway, fast forward 7 years (god, I’m old) and there’s me still listening to Britney Spears, minus the goofy shirt (I wonder where it actually went…) and I found myself quite enjoying the track “If You Seek Amy”. It’s up tempo, fun dancy, and keeps me going on the elliptical. But, I was a little confused by the song. Who is Amy? Is she her friend, Lindsay-Lohan-Samantha-Ronson-type-of-friend, drug dealer, witness to a crime Britney is trying to hide? I just didn’t get it. And I thought the lyrics didn’t make much sense either, but that’s no big surprise as I usually have problems with those. “All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy” just didn’t make any sense, but I still kinda like it.
And then FCC had to come over and ruin all the mysterious fun. They basically told Britney she had to change the name of her song. Hmm… why would that be? I didn’t get it. Do they have a problem with bisexuals? And then it all clicked as I was asking someone this aloud, “Now why would they have a problem with a song called If You Seek Amy?” Ahhh. It all makes sense now. And now that it makes sense, I kind of feel empty and stupid inside. Like when your brain is stuck trying to remember the name of that National Lampoon movie with a Wayne Newton cameo and you have a mind block and then your well-meaning friend with the iphone pulls up IMDB and says “Vegas Vacation!” and everyone breathes a sigh of relief but then you’re overwhelmed with the feeling that the answer just wasn’t that satisfying and you wished you had thought of it yourself but also enjoyed the challenge? That’s what the FCC did to me. Bitches.
Well, at least I know what Britney meant when she said “Oh, baby, baby, if you seek Amy tonight, oh, baby, baby, I’ll do whatever you like.”
I thought “Be Prepared” was a Boy Scouts Motto
But apparently members of AP are following the mantra as well, and, dare I say it, it evens makes me feel a little uncomfortable.
Basically, they are preparing for Britney Spears to die. I don’t know if it’s by drug use or suicide or what, but these wanna-be soothsayers are already working on an obituary for the girl.
“I think one would agree that Britney seems at risk right now. Of course, we would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and hope that we would never have to use it until 50 years from now … but if something were to happen, we would have to be prepared.”
The girl is twenty-six years old and people are already preparing for her to die. Well, considering every moment of the most successful years of her entire life was planned out for her by other people, this actually doesn’t seem too outrageous. After all, the ticking time bomb has to stop ticking one day.
Like a Drug
Everytime I write about Britney Spears, I swear it’s gonna be the last. I’m trying really, really hard guys, I swear. It’s a nasty little habit. I’m good for a few days and then she rears her ugly head. And then I say no. I restrain myself. That lasts about twenty-four hours. And then I cave in.
I swear Britney Spears going into court to say she is a good mother is about as much of a scene as Michael Jackson going in trying to prove he isn’t a little kid toucher. Minus the pajamas. And replace the “Thriller” fans with crazy paparazzi. And instead of the masses praying for innocence for MJ, they are hoping to see Britney fail.
Well, the paparazzi watched Britney’s every move yesterday. From her leaving her house late, showing up to the court parking lot, trying to get out of her SUV, mumbling unintelligently about being scared, getting back in the car, and then going to places people usually go when they are trying to regain custody of their children when a court hearing is going on. Like the church the Reagans were married in. Or to your favorite restaurant in a shopping mall. And then you do it all in your old wedding dress!
Can someone please list the top ten ways someone can look like an ass during a custody hearing even when the other parent showed up to court with a mohawk? I think Britney is working on a top twenty list and we need to narrow it down.
The whole thing leaves me torn in the middle. I honestly do feel sympathy for a woman who can’t even go into a church and pray without cameramen following her. However, you’re asking for it when you go in with some rando paparazzo you picked out to be your new pet (who is married, shady looking, and did I mention a paparazzo?) and in your old wedding dress. You don’t want to be hounded by swarms when it’s time to go to court? You get there at the ass crack of dawn woman. It’s not a sale at Wet Seal where you can just leisurely walk in, pick up some new polyester pieces, and call it a day.
Sympathy? Go to Rosie O’Donnell who just wrote a blog comparing Britney Spears to Princess Diana. My take on that comparison: Likeness – fame, public divorce, dating Muslim men. Nonlikeness – one of them acted like a lady, one of them did charitable work during her time, one managed her problems in private, and one did not go around showing off her vagina to strangers on the street.
Britney Spears is doomed. No one can save her from herself and she continues to surround herself with total strangers and cameramen. While it may appear we all want her to fail, we all would welcome her back with arms wide open if she got her act together. But she won’t. Ok magazine is predicting her to convert to Islam and try to get pregnant with her new boytoy. Other sources say she is contemplating suicide. Dr. Phil wants to put his two cents in. I’ve already put in my dollar’s worth. Here’s seeing how long I can last before writing again about this tragedy.
And in case you were wondering, Britney lost all visitation rights yesterday. Shocking.
You Know What Bipolar Maniacs Should Do More Often
Go on impulsive vacations with their creepy paparazzo boyfriends!
Brit and Creepo were spotted getting on a private plane headed for Mexico.
Here’s hoping they come back married. Or with a baby. Or not at all.
Anything is possible when it comes to the Sexiest Woman Alive Year 2000.
Update: Plane headed for Terterboro, NJ. Just a lil different than Mexico. Cross your fingers they’re headed for Atlantic City!
Update Squared: They really did go to Mexico! Con queso!
Update Trois: They’re already back, in less than twenty-four hours. Boring!
I Swear I Don’t Really Want to Write About It Anymore
but I just can’t help it!
Britney checked out of the hospital yesterday, much earlier than the 72 hour watch she was reportedly supposed to undergo. And who came to talk to Britney Spears just moments after she checked out? Dr. Phil.
Seriously, I couldn’t make this up if I tried. According to his press release:
“My meeting with Britney and some of her family members this morning in her room at Cedars leaves me convinced more than ever that she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention.”
Seriously, it’s as though Britney’s life is just some kooky experiment for her family. Even when she is at the lowest point possible, it’s as though her Uncle Billy Bob told Aunt Clementine, “Hey, Clem, Brit’s in trouble. Let’s ask help from that nice bald man on teevee. He sure knows what he is talking about.” Instead of getting real help and a bit of privacy, they call in some television personality who tells fat people how to lose weight. Part of me is surprised they didn’t ask Geraldo, Montell Williams, and Maury Povich to join in the fun. Maybe they could bring in one of those fake drill sergeants that yell in her face. Actually, that’s what they need for Jamie Lynn. Ahhh, Vh1 will be calling them any minute now for a family reality show. Can’t wait!
A Day in the Life of Britney Spears (Take Two)
Be glad you weren’t Britney Spears on January 2nd, the day her lawyer quit. Thank your lucky stars you weren’t her on January 3rd.
Honestly, I don’t even understand what happened. Earlier on in the day, she showed up one hour and forty-five minutes late for a two hour long court-ordered deposition. She completely blew off the four depositions scheduled before this one. Due to her tardiness, K-Daddy’s lawyer got less than fifteen minutes to grill the trainwreck and will need to continue it at a later date.
Don’t know where she was the rest of the afternoon. Probably hooking up with married paparazzi and hitting up gas stations.
Later that evening while enjoying some visitation with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, she refused to return them to their rightful owner. The cops come to get them and then Britney Spears was taken away, strapped down to a stretcher when she had a mental breakdown. It is unknown whether it was substance caused.
Well all knew this day was coming. I think I’m just surprised it wasn’t worse.
Smart Choices by Britney, Lesson 5
While in a lot of cases it is a good idea not to take career advice from the person you’ve been spotted hotel bedroom hopping with, other times, it is.
After Britney’s flop of a performance with floppy skin last month, a lot of us were wondering where the heck the magic was in the literal sense. For about two weeks before the performance, Britney had been spotted out with magician Criss Angel into the early hours, and publicists explained they were simply working together for her VMA performance. Likely story. Sure enough, her performance came and went without any magic or mystic in any shape, sense, or form unless a pile of broken dreams and gross hair extensions was what you were looking for in a magic potion. And now, when that performance has almost left our memory, it comes back to haunt us.
Criss Angel apparently has no other way to get back into the tabloids unless he rides the BS-train some more. He has come forth to shock the world with two quotes:
“We were supposed to do a creation of stuff that we worked on and it took a lot of dedication and work to do the things that we wanted to do. Unfortunately for me, she didn’t really want to put forth that type of effort.”
Britney Spears does not even put forth any effort to pass a drug test so she can see her own children. We are talking about pissing into a cup here. Not that difficult. Moving on.
“Basically I said, ‘Don’t worry about me. Do what you want to do. This is a big opportunity for you to do the VMAs, so if you don’t feel it, go with something else.’ And she chose to go with something else.”
Well, alcoholics are known for many things and one of them is making excellent choices. This was no exception. Someone should tell MagicBoy that when you see someone’s life falling down into an endless pit, you don’t tell them to just do whatever they feel like doing. That’s how people die. People have been telling that to Britney for the last four years. Look where that got her.
Over and out.
All We Really Want Is Girls
When it comes to the entertainment industry, it really is all about the women.
Correction: when it comes to gossiping about the entertainment industry, it is all about the women.
The more pop culture and entertainment sites I come across, the more women I see. Most of these sites are geared towards women and gay men, yet photographs of women is what we see.
On a road trip this weekend, I bought two magazines Ok! on the ride up and Us Weekly for the ride back. For my ride up, the cover stories included “Dannielynn’s Secret World With Diva Dad” (Anna Nicole Smith’s orphaned baby for those of you that are not on a first-name basis with this infant), “Brit Misses Kids’ Birthday Party for Sad ‘Comeback’ “, and “How Shiloh Saved Angie” (Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, once again, if you were not familiar with the other one year-old covergirl). So the entire cover was all about babies, a mother saved by her daughter, a mother off the tracks, and a baby left to live with a former paparazzi dad after the mother died from drug use. Wow.
And, yes, I spent $2.99 at CVS to read this Pulitzer Prize winning material.
I don’t know what is more frightening, that I actually paid money for it or that I immediately became intrigued with this world of Hollywood women and their infant children.
Two days later, I picked up Us Weekly with “Mommy’s Crying – Britney’s Darkest Hour”. I actually laughed out loud in the New Jersey rest stop when I saw this headline accompanied with a large photo of one of Britney’s children pouting. Also on the cover was “Jess Wins Weight War”. Women love reading about other women’s weight struggles. Especially when those women are celebrities. And especially when we get to witness their weight progression through carefully chosen photographs from the past two years placed side by side so we get the full visual effect. And rounding out the cover was “Owen: Inside His Recovery”.
That’s right. A man has to attempt suicide to get on the cover of the magazine.
It’s all over the magazine racks and the internet, we love women. We love reading about them. We want to know about their depression, their babies, their weight loss, their clothing, we want to know e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
Why? Do we feel better about our own life choices when we can see Brtitney Spears’ demise? Do we weep on the inside thinking about poor Dannielynn? Do we get a rise from seeing Miss Simpson’s size go up a few numbers? I don’t know. What I really want to know is why everyday I get some small scrap of news and a picture reminding me of Lindsay Lohan’s existence when the girl has been holed up in Utah for the past two months and has not made a movie worth seeing in the past three years. And can someone please explain to me why I still see photographs of Tara Reid. American Pie came out almost a decade ago.
That’s right. We need to see pictures of the botched liposuction on Tara’s stomach to feel better about ours not being flat. If we make fun of Dina Lohan’s parenting skills, we will think our family isn’t that bad. And as for Spears, we all wanted to have her fame and now we can convince ourselves that we are better off without having been the fantasy of every man in America because look where that got her. And as for the baby photos… well, we do love children.
For whatever reason, we cannot get enough of girls.
Just for kicks, here’s a photo of Nicole Richie swimming in all her pregnant glory. Because that’s newsworthy.
